I know this may be coming a few weeks too late for my fellow female football/soccer fans, as the leagues have already been going since August in most countries. Hopefully you’ve been struggling through, but it’s international break and I’m bored without football so whether you follow that or the other football or baseball or hockey or any of those other SUPER MACHO MANLY SPORTS, here’s a little guide for being a “real” fan:
Now, if you got into football during the World Cup, you may have seen this handy list floating around:
Wow, so helpful! In case your already tiny brain is too addled by nail polish remover to read it, let me summarise:
8. Act as your man’s (lesbians, this means you too! Find a man to look after when SPORTS are on the screen) servant during the match, sexually and otherwise.
7. Don’t pretend to understand or care about the game; we know you just want to see the shirtless sweaty men. As you know, men never watch sports in order to see shirtless sweaty ladies.
6. Pretend you went to the Milford School and be neither seen nor heard. In other words, fade into the scenery like the object you are!
5. Like male sports fans, you don’t need to have any grasp on grammar, but make sure you have an encylopaedic knowledge of your team. Casual fans? I don’t think so. After all, male sports fans would never do anything like get the name of their team wrong.
4. Wear the gear! Real sports fans (by which I mean male sports fans) go all out when it comes to dressing to support their teams.
As a woman, you don’t want to fall into the dreaded sports version of “Do you even listen to that band?” so take advantage of your team’s merch shop, make sure everyone knows you’re a girl supporter, and wear something like this:
3. Remember when I mentioned casual fans? Right, don’t ever assume that watching a game on television is enough. You had better go in person or else everyone will think you just lost the TV remote before you could get to Keeping Up with the Kardashians. And after you’ve spent time and money to go see your favourite sport, you could even be immortalised in a video game: NHL 15 Trailer Mocks Female Fans.
2. And remember when I mentioned the relationship between sports, you, and your man? When you go out to a pub to watch a match, make sure he’s with you at all times, so real fans don’t have to take a minute away from watching the game to say “It’s nice of you to come watch with your boyfriend” If you don’t have a boyfriend, you can tell them how it’s your dad or your brother or your male friend who really likes the sport, you just want to see the halftime show. There’s a halftime show in this game, right?
1. Like what you like, and say this to anyone who tries to tell you you’re not a “real” fan: